Hey guys, so today's post isn't gonna be a review as per usual but rather something a little more personal, I'll talk a little bit about a feeling that I have been having for some time already - about friendships and belonging.
I'm a person of very few close friends. For me to get to know someone and get interest on talking with them is a hard work, I honestly can't have mindless talks with acquaintances - you know, that kind of talk where you talk about nothing personal and maybe nothing at all, when you're talking just to pass the boredom. I usually only talk with people that I consider my friends, this year with only my closest friends. But lately I've a feeling like I don't belong with them. And that is a shit thing.
Lately there has been more and more times where I just feel completely unnecessary when talking or going out with these people. Lately I've been feeling like if I'm there or not the talks will be the same because I'm not an actively part of them. Lately I've been feeling like I'm excluded time and time again about the new secrets or really personal things, like I'm not a trusted confident anymore. I've been feeling like I'm being left out, and not even on purpose - but just these people don't really feel the need to talk to me, to tell me things, for me to be a part of their lives.
The worst part of this is that I'm a big coward when it comes to confronting people and telling them what I really feel, so probably these people will never know how much they're hurting me and will never notice that we're drifting apart - at least not until we don't even speak anymore. My way of dealing with feelings is basically just suit up and pretend nothing is happening, it's already really hard and took me years to admit things for myself so speaking my mind to others isn't easy. I can do it just fine here, it's the internet, it's not personal but even them I have an irrational fear that someway someone that knows me is gonna find this out and understand to who I'm directing this. I really do wish that I could came face to face with these friends and say to them how I'm feeling and hear they side of the story and understand and have a happy ending but I know this isn't gonna happen, if I try to say anything I'll cry, feel humiliated and like I'm asking for attention, asking people to love me and care about me or even worse, feel embarrassed when they don't know what the hell I'm talking about and starting doubting myself. So I'll just shrug off and keep going.
Anyway, this was different from the regular reviews but I needed to put this out of me and this is my personal blog, so it's gonna be here. Peace out.